dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
