I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful