So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong