There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
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As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
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You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.