Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
