someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good