made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
