Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize