So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
