I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
