Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Floor bacon is actually really good
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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