I could make wine with my vomit
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
