just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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