So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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