cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Randomize
