Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
