I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
