if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
