You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
