I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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