in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
