i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
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HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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