So drunk its hurt
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
