Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
