i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
