this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
