I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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