A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
