My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
