Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
