remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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