apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
