i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
