I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
