i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
