I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
