Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
