My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
