i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
