I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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