So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
