plz talk dirty to me
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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