Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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