The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
