i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
