Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
