Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
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I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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