You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
