you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
