it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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