I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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