That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
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