Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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