is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
