I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
