your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
