life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
