theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
