"it" just moved
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
