Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
