its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .