You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
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I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
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IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.