btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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