No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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