I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
