Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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