New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
